Of Heartbreak and Friendship

Hey guys i'm back, i've recently decided to add pictures of things i find interesting or pretty to my posts!

Sorry for my absence and i wish i could be more cheerful today but unfortunately these past few days have been really rough for me. You see i have a very close friend that i adore with all my heart and thing is i'm kinda in love with him and have been for awhile, yet as usual i am a coward and i have not, nor do i ever plan on telling him anything. Of course it is to be expected that i feel this way if i dont even have the guts to tell him what i feel, to all of you out there who might be reading i wholeheartedly encourage you to tell that special person what you feel. For even though rejection hurts, it at least leaves you with closure, and the alternative is much worse. But anyways, we have a very close friendship and he, being unaware of my feelings for him, asks me for the " girls perspective " on his love problems, of course, as a friend i have always encouraged him to take action with the person he was interested with, i even told him how to make her notice him! So you all can say that this is self inflicted, but tell me, you nameless friends out there, what am i supposed to do? i'm only human and honestly i never expected that he would take my advice.

In hindsight it was probably due to those uncharitable feelings, ( oh karma what a mean mistress you are) , that he ended up taking my advice and actually began seeing the girl he was interested in. It goes without saying that i am quite heartbroken.

People have told me that i should've never helped him, or avoided the topic all together. Yet how was i supposed to do that? I love him, as a man and as a friend. And i wanted to help him feel better, even though every word i told him was like pouring salt on a an open wound, if you'll pardon the cliche. Friendship and love are very tricky things to juggle together, because once you have stepped into that zone, that odious friend zone, it is very hard to step out of, and the sad thing is that we put ourselves there. Because we think that its much better being their friend, that if we say something the friendship could disappear and then we'd end up losing their company. So we lie to ourselves saying that it is enough being near them. But that is a lie. Because in reality we want to do so much more and we're thrown into this chaos of conflicting emotions, of wanting and rejecting, trying to make him notice and at same time never wanting him to know your feelings.

Being his friend has never been so difficult. I cannot smile and congratulate them because i do not mean it and i do not want to lie. So far i've not seen them together because of our conflicting schedule, tomorrow is my first day seeing them and i know he will expect me to be happy for him and i am, the part of me that loves him as a friend is very happy, but the part of me, the biggest part of my heart that loves him as a woman is very unhappy indeed. I don't know how i'm going to face them tomorrow and im very nervous, ive never been a good actress. I wish, i could be happy with all my heart but that is simply impossible at the moment. Because with each passing moment i fall more inlove with him.

They say that when you truly love somebody then you let them go so they can find happiness. I am letting him go, and i do truly wish him the best. But is it wrong that i am not happy? i know i should be because he is my friend, but i simply cannot muster myself to be. It is too cruel. I do not know what to make of this feeling, i feel that i shouldn't be feeling so miserable and that i should be able to tell him that im happy for him and mean it, but i cant and that makes me feel like a terrible friend.

I can only hope that in time these feelings will fade and there will be a day when i can wish him all the happiness in the world with her and actually mean it.

Toodles,

~Lily~

Software Apps

I am so tired of taking software apps, one semester of this is enough i think. But nooo, our med school dean has decided that we need a whole year. Okay i understand, we might need to learn this so for epidemiology but other than that we're go to go, and since we dont need to know how to do al this stuff until like 5 semester i don't understand why we must take it now and why must it be so damn long? this really infuriates me to no end! Anyways i promise i will write a more interesting post as soon as i get out of this freaking 3 hour class.

Break Up's and Make Up's

So alot of my friends have been having lots of troubles with their significant others lately and have been comming to me for advice. Now dont get me wrong, i dont mind it at all. Even though i might not have lots of experience with love and dating persay i do most definately know the signs of a good man and the signs of a bad one. I've seen enough bad relationships to know the difference. Now i love my friends dearly, even when they're totally and completely imature and do stupid things like a certain someone i wont mention and i will always forgive and forget for i do not like to fight and i don't hold grudges. But something that aggravates me out of my mind is when my friends end up with douchebags and when they get hrut come runnign to me, so when i try to tell them the truth they only get pissed off and defent that douchebag who hurt them in the first place!

Argh it makes me so angry because what i hate most in the world is seeing my friends hurt. No man especially not the douchebags that they seem determined to fight are worth their tears, and the ones who are they shun like the plague.

Besides those guys who you can cry over, well those guys will never make you cry.

In the end though, as a friend theres nothing i can do but be there when they need me and wipe their tears away and try to make them smile again.

A Not so sudden death

Just thought i'd let you all know that i died so painfully in that anthropology test i had today. I crammed like usual, something which usually works for me (unless its chem and then no amount of studying will get through to my brain) but no amount of studying was going to help you in that test. It was very confusing and i feel i did horribly on it, seeing as how i was literally guessing for most of them. Oh well, i'll just have to get an A on the next tesst, no point in crying over spilled milk. If you know me at all you will know that i'm not the type to usually get upset over things, you see my personal philosophy is not necessarily to be optimistic about everything cuz im not that naive, i know there are things that you can never be optimistic about, i do however try to be happy as much as i can daily for i figure life is too short to waste on bad moments and bad moods. Especially when those bad moods cant be changed and when they're insignificant as a failed test. To all those overachievers out there, who cry over a B thinking they shouldve gotten an A i say to you, as someone who's been down that road, chillax live life and do better next time, but dont waste another precious moment of your life crying over something that cant be altered. Tests dont measure your inteligence they measure your dedication to your studies and your attention span. Truth is, most of what you learn in school you'll never use again or if you do its a precious little and you usually have a class that helps you go over it again and apply it to whatever you need to apply to. So to all those students out there, i'm not telling you not to try your best. On the contrary i'm telling you to study and apply yourselves i am telling you however not to stress if you get a lower grade than you wished to, just accept it and move on for life is too short. Trust me getting an F in AP calc does not mean you're an idiot, it's just things like that tend to happen sometimes, its not big. Just make sure you get help for the next test.

Toodles,

~Lily~

Just Another Day

I figured i should probably start writing one of these again, seeing as how i have free time right now...or rather i do not actually have free time i'm just procrastinating as i'm wont to do the night before my first anthropology exam. Well things wont always be like this i suppose, next semester med school is going to be real rough as we start studying everything that has to do with the human body all in one fell blow. i think they wish to exaust us to death. Still, it is rather interesting and i do love it so. I'm not a particularly philosophical or witty person i'm just a normal girl with too much time on her hands. Really this blog is more an outlet seeing as how i left my diary when i moved which is now probably being read by some 12 year old going through puberty, unfortunately they wont find anything steamy or remotely interesting in there for my life is and has always been just fairly boring. The most they can find is a guilty recollection of a drunken college night which amounted to nothing more than dissapointment. Well, anyways comming back to the present; i've always wondered why in the world is it that we women are NEVER satisfied with what we have? If we're thin we want to be fat, if we're fat we want to be thin, we want long hair, we want to be darker skinned, etc etc. Cant we just find a happy middle? I've yet to meet a woman who is completely satisfied with her life and is not moving through a constant cycle of change. i have always thought of myself as a simple person, i dont need much to be happy just the little things are good enough for me, yet i wish i could say i am THAT woman who is completely satisfied but i am not, like most people i'm constantly wishing i could change something but oh well i suppose thats just part of life...maybe what we all need is someone to tell us that we're beautiful just the way we are?

Toodles

~Lily~