Hey guys i'm back, i've recently decided to add pictures of things i find interesting or pretty to my posts!
Sorry for my absence and i wish i could be more cheerful today but unfortunately these past few days have been really rough for me. You see i have a very close friend that i adore with all my heart and thing is i'm kinda in love with him and have been for awhile, yet as usual i am a coward and i have not, nor do i ever plan on telling him anything. Of course it is to be expected that i feel this way if i dont even have the guts to tell him what i feel, to all of you out there who might be reading i wholeheartedly encourage you to tell that special person what you feel. For even though rejection hurts, it at least leaves you with closure, and the alternative is much worse. But anyways, we have a very close friendship and he, being unaware of my feelings for him, asks me for the " girls perspective " on his love problems, of course, as a friend i have always encouraged him to take action with the person he was interested with, i even told him how to make her notice him! So you all can say that this is self inflicted, but tell me, you nameless friends out there, what am i supposed to do? i'm only human and honestly i never expected that he would take my advice.
In hindsight it was probably due to those uncharitable feelings, ( oh karma what a mean mistress you are) , that he ended up taking my advice and actually began seeing the girl he was interested in. It goes without saying that i am quite heartbroken.
People have told me that i should've never helped him, or avoided the topic all together. Yet how was i supposed to do that? I love him, as a man and as a friend. And i wanted to help him feel better, even though every word i told him was like pouring salt on a an open wound, if you'll pardon the cliche. Friendship and love are very tricky things to juggle together, because once you have stepped into that zone, that odious friend zone, it is very hard to step out of, and the sad thing is that we put ourselves there. Because we think that its much better being their friend, that if we say something the friendship could disappear and then we'd end up losing their company. So we lie to ourselves saying that it is enough being near them. But that is a lie. Because in reality we want to do so much more and we're thrown into this chaos of conflicting emotions, of wanting and rejecting, trying to make him notice and at same time never wanting him to know your feelings.
Being his friend has never been so difficult. I cannot smile and congratulate them because i do not mean it and i do not want to lie. So far i've not seen them together because of our conflicting schedule, tomorrow is my first day seeing them and i know he will expect me to be happy for him and i am, the part of me that loves him as a friend is very happy, but the part of me, the biggest part of my heart that loves him as a woman is very unhappy indeed. I don't know how i'm going to face them tomorrow and im very nervous, ive never been a good actress. I wish, i could be happy with all my heart but that is simply impossible at the moment. Because with each passing moment i fall more inlove with him.
They say that when you truly love somebody then you let them go so they can find happiness. I am letting him go, and i do truly wish him the best. But is it wrong that i am not happy? i know i should be because he is my friend, but i simply cannot muster myself to be. It is too cruel. I do not know what to make of this feeling, i feel that i shouldn't be feeling so miserable and that i should be able to tell him that im happy for him and mean it, but i cant and that makes me feel like a terrible friend.
I can only hope that in time these feelings will fade and there will be a day when i can wish him all the happiness in the world with her and actually mean it.
Toodles,
~Lily~
